Today I’d tell you about this nice coffee place I found. Actually, I was thinking that Zagreb is quite a walkable city, easy to get to, and it led me to thinking that I’d enjoy going on a vacation with you. I think I’d really enjoy waking up next to you in a foreign city and explore it together. I’d love to hear your thoughts and I’d love to share experiences and discovering new things together with you. Just a slow day walking around a bit, going to cafes, enjoying an ice cream, seeing a museum, having a slow dinner, cuddling in bed with the noise of the unknown city outside. A sense of adventure.

I honestly would love to invite you on a short holiday. No idea how you’d take it, but it’d make me so happy, being with you. Maybe you could come with me to Argentina. That would be awesome. We could stay a week more, just the two of us. I’d love to be there with you. Wow, it’d be insanely beautiful. You know, sometimes, when I think of you, I feel like maybe there is some kind of happiness in this world. Then I’m always a bit ashamed of myself, because I feel like I have always let happiness slip through my fingers because I wasn’t brave enough, or not strong enough. I am terrified of doing the same with you. But also hopeful, that maybe, we could be happy together.

Today I would tell you about the discussion I had to endure with some sexist pig that was objectifying my colleage. I made a comment about her nice her shoes were, and he “cracked a joke” whether I was commenting on her leg. It bothered me immensely, because it objectified her. Gave me the itches. And then they talked more around the table and the same guy talked about being better and kept using the male pronoun: “there’s always a guy that’s better”. This bothered me, especially because the smartest people I know and care for are all women. Anyway.

I again took photos of some flowers and will definitely send them to you later. And then I had this urge to look at the photo of you and us that was taken at D., where we are all standing on the steps in front of the building at the back. You look so cute and it was nice too see you and think of you. I don’t know where the feeling came from, I think I just wanted to feel you a bit closer. Then it reminded me of you and your wonderful thoughts and writings. On that note, I wanted to respond, but I didn’t when you said that your thoughts on mushrooms were probably not that exciting. I am quite convinced they were very beautiful. You have such a wonderfully different way of looking at things than most people, and I enjoy reading it so much. Your trains of thought would be very interesting to listen to. I feel like I would probably want to hug you so tight just listening to your thoughts.

It’s late now, I’m about to go to bed. Hopefully I get to daydream a bit about you, and maybe even dream a bit with you. That would be a first, and I would very much enjoy it.

Today is the first time I’m writing you. If I was brave, I’d tell you that yesterday I was struggling with a lot of anxiety. I was doing my taxes and that always gives me anxiety. I wrote you an email the day before, it was what gave me the energy to sit down and do my tax returns. I think of you often. About what we could see together in Berlin, what kind of things I could give you as gifts. I think about what I would say when you leave, and how sad it would make me. And I also think about how amazing it will be to wake up next to you. How unreal it will feel. How happy you will make me. I also think of you as a real-life person, I want to make love to you, I want to hold you and make gentle love to you, and I want to have rough sex with you, and I want to touch and kiss you and I want to slap your amazing buttocks. I want to feel your warmth sitting next to me, and I want to show you all the things that I have collected over the years, all the objects and all the books, and I want to hear what you think of them. I wanna hear your beautiful voice while I hold your hand. Thinking of you makes me so happy.

Sometimes I wish you responded faster to my whatsapp messages, but I also know I can’t demand anything from you, and that when you do respond, it’s always something so beautiful, it’s always worth every minute of the wait.

I’m sitting at the airport now, trying to get to Z. for a conference. I’m really looking forward to taking pictures of Z. and sending them to you. It’ll be wonderful to share them with you, and it’s a great excuse to write you. I love writing you. I’d like to say I don’t know why… but… I do. You were magnificently lovely to me in D., so gentle and kind. I remember sitting at the very back, on the first day, and I just couldn’t stop thinking of you. I had all these feelings come to me. At first I was enjoying them, then I got terrified — what am I imagining? Why? I tried letting them go, but it didn’t work. They kept coming back to me. So then I decided to just let them… be. Just let them be there, with me. When you came knocking at my door, it was so good, like some kind of fairy tale. I miss lying next to you on that bed. It was a beautiful place to be.