I’ve been listening to “The Fade Out Line” by Phoebe Killdeer, it seems to be talking about fading away into emptiness, being gone, before actually being gone. This has lately been on my mind, fading away, not being present, not wanting to be present.
Caring for you has reminded me of the times I cared deeply for someone else, and the “exquisite sensations” I felt (as you might say, with the beautiful words you always find), when being with her. I am both terrified and incredibly happy that I’ll feel the same for you when you come. I already do, if I’m honest with myself. I’m also terrified of all the things that come along with this — the fear of rejection, the fear of losing you, the fear that once you are gone I’ll have this huge hole in my heart. I can already see myself looking elsewhere, trying to make sure that I won’t be completely and utterly alone when you are gone. It’s a self-defeating behaviour, but I’m not sure I can fix it. This reminds me of the speech from Fleabag:
Love is awful. It’s awful. It’s painful. It’s frightening. It makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself, distance yourself from the other people in your life. It makes you selfish. It makes you creepy, makes you obsessed with your hair, makes you cruel, makes you say and do things you never thought you would do. It’s all any of us want, and it’s hell when we get there.
I’d add that it’s not just hell when we get there — it’s hell on the way there. And indeed, as the Fleabag quote continues — love really is hope. The hope to be understood, the hope to understand the other.